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Phil playing the 'Last Post' at FODCC 13th November 2011. Click to enlarge. Back arrow to return here.

Thoughts


1) Anyone who rejects salvation because he doesn't like religious hypocrites should
remember that if he does not receive Jesus as his Saviour & Lord, he will spend
eternity with those hypocrites in hell!

2) People today are not looking for religion; they are looking for answers!

3) However they try to disguise it, atheism's bottom line is that we began as a fluke,
live out a farce and end up as fertiliser!

4) Excuses are the crutches of the uncommitted!

5) Always submit to authority, but never submit to control.

6) Tough times don't last. Tough people do!

7) God has no problems with you having money; he just does not want money to have
you!

8) There is no religion in the Bible, because religion is intellectual!

9) If you want to be free, you must not care too much about what people think.

10) I'd rather be a sheep than a goat: a goat goes "but, but, but."

11) The people that you put in your life will cause you to go higher or lower!

12) If you can’t adjust your tithe to match your income, the Lord can certainly adjust
your income to match your tithe.

13) If man evolved from monkey, where are the man-evolving monkeys today? What
stopped the process? Pigs still produce pigs; cows still produce cows, monkeys
still produce monkeys and humans still produce humans!

14) God says, "I told my people that they can have what they say, but they say what
they have!"

15) The Jehovah’s Witnesses disagree with giving blood, but Jesus was the greatest
blood donor of all time!

16) Life without Jesus is a hopeless end, but life with Jesus is an endless hope!

17) We are so far removed from the New Testament teaching today that if somebody
acts normal, we call it abnormal!

18) If the church you are in is not supernatural, then it is superficial!

19) When people don't have righteousness, they don't have peace.

20) Faithfulness is not determined by what you do today, but by what you were last
told to do.

21) Jesus + nothing = everything / Jesus + anything = nothing

22) If God was moved by need, the devil is the one who created the need, so he would
be leading God around by the nose!

23) My life is a result of a holy purpose in the mind of God that requires my
existence.

24) Christianity is about love - it is an action!

25) Today's decisions are opening or closing doors to satanic attacks.

26) You can believe miracles into your life or fear disasters in.

27) Speak to your problem rather than speaking about it.

28) You are the one, whether you like it or not, who has the ultimate responsibility for
your life.

29) If God has no need to remember our sins, then neither do we!

30) Meetings etc. should be on time, together & with strength

31) The other 11 disciples said to Peter, "Get back in the boat, you right wing,
fundamentalist, hard-core Bible-believing fanatic!

32) You have to think high to rise high!

33) Boys - Cultivate character, so that when you meet a woman, you don't need
charm, just character.

34) Where we don't have responsibility, we don't need opinions!

35) People who have a Bible that is falling apart usually have a life that isn't!

36) The latest thing in women's clothing is a man. You don't know whether it is a Mr,
a Mrs, or a mistake!

37) Money talks - It says "Goodbye!"

38) God does not want weekend visits - He wants full custody!

39) Giving is the only clue you have that the cancer of greed has not got your soul

40) We all agree that forgiveness is a beautiful idea until we have to practise it.

41) You are no more a Christian if you go to church, than you are a car if you go and
sit in your garage.

42) There is nothing wrong with the world, except wrong will.

43) It is God’s will for children to obey their parents . If not, spank them until they
say, “Thy will be done!”

44) Poverty does not cause crime; if that was the case, the Great Depression would
have been the greatest crime wave ever. If wealth solves crime, why don’t rich
crooks stop stealing? – The answer is - wrong will!

45) Prayer is man’s permission for God’s interference

46) Teasing is a reflection of other people's insecurities.
A bully is only as big as we let them be.

47) Whatever a man sows that shall he also reap. If you don't want it coming back,
don't sow it! Sowing and reaping is a foundational biblical principle!

48) You get out of life exactly what you put into it.

49) You determine your destiny by what you do.

50) Thanksgiving is a duty before a feeling. Gratitude is a choice.

51) Don't let to the criticisms of men get to you and don't let the praises of men either!

52) Vision is a mental image of a future outcome.

53) You cannot separate church from state, because we are the church and we are in
the state - you cannot separate wet from water

54) We don't want a relevant church; we want a revolutionary church

55) There are only two kinds of people in the world; those who know the Lord and
those who need to know him

56) Church membership will not save you any more than a bath and a red ribbon will
turn a pig into a poodle!

57) Theologians are people who work at making something simple difficult, so that in
the final analysis neither you nor they can understand it!

58) The burden of bitterness is too heavy for men to carry. Remember this next time
somebody takes your car-parking space or sits in your pew!

59) There is no perfect church, but if there was, and you joined it, you would ruin it!

60) A lady said, “He and I married for better or for worse, he for better, I for worse!”

61) Every denomination has man-made rules that you will not find in the Bible!

62) When I get to Heaven, I want God to say, “Well done!” not “Well?”

63) Why struggle with an enemy who is already defeated? The devil would love us to
go to heaven, then we would not give him hassle here! The church keeps
propping him up though!

64) People pleasers do things out of duty, not desire.

65) Life is God's gift to you; what you do with your life is your gift to God.

66) Quitters never win - winners never quit!

67) As soon as you do something for God, there will always be somebody saying,
“You should have put the money elsewhere.”

68) Misery and miser go together!

69) If you don’t believe in something, you’ll fall for anything!

70) Opinion is the medium between knowledge and ignorance.
A critic is just a person with an opinion!

71) Everything in our lives is changing. If you do not think that you are changing,
look at an old photograph of yourself, skinny as a rake. You can run a hundred
yards and they could time you with a stopwatch. Now they use an hourglass or a
calendar and they have emergency resuscitation standing by! Ladies, have you got
your wedding dress out and got one leg in and do not know what to do with the
other one? You sink your teeth into a sandwich and they stay there; your back goes
out more often than you do; your knees buckle and your trousers won't. All the
names in your little black book belong to doctors and you get winded playing
chess!

72) Faith without works is dead, but works without faith are even deader!

73) Adam & Eve had an ideal marriage: he didn’t have to hear about all the men she
could have married, and she didn’t have to hear about all how well his mother
cooked.

74) If you cannot survive great hardship, you will not survive great success

75) Holiness is a by-product of our relationship with Christ, not a condition to obtain
it. (our natures are changed!).

76) Religion is a system invented by men in their ignorance as they try to reach God.

77) We call ourselves a Christian nation, but we are a post-Christian nation. If we
were a Christian nation, we would adhere to the teachings of the Bible. We have
exalted men so high and God so low, that we can now hardly tell the difference.

78) When you give up what you deserve, God will give you more than you ever
dreamed.

79) Nothing in your life is going to work unless you do!

80) The only place that success comes before work is in the dictionary

 


FUNNY CHRISTIAN STORIES Top

Healing
A woman was once prayed over for her arthritis and was healed. Some months later she went back to her church and asked them to pray about her problem with obesity. One of the leaders said, "I have a word for you" and he read from the Bible…"this kind only goes out by prayer and fasting!"

From a church magazine
'Next Saturday: Parish Dinner in the church hall 8pm. Weight watchers in the vestry'

Seen on a church notice board in New Zealand.
'We are soul agents'

Last laugh
Our vicar, not known for short sermons, was to be preaching the Sunday evening we wanted to be away quickly to collect the horse manure from the adjacent showground before others got it all. His sermon was to be the 'Potter & His Clay' and we approached him hesitantly, explaining the very special circumstances and asking if he could spin the potter's wheel a little faster on this occasion. To our surprise he agreed, but only if he got a bag full for his roses. The result was that we received a ten-minute sermon, one fifth of his normal length and the following day he was the recipient of a bag of 'horse' with a note: 'The labourer shall be worthy of his hire.'

The Joys of Heaven
A number of mice found themselves in heaven. St. Peter went to them and asked them if they were enjoying themselves. Of course they were, but the place was so big that they found it difficult to get around. In no time, they each received a pair of heavenly roller-skates, which gladdened their little hearts. A cat then died and went to heaven and was also asked by St. Peter if he was satisfied with his new home. Naturally he was delighted with everything, but especially with the 'meals-on-wheels!'

Last laugh 2
The curate's wife had just returned from a visit to the sales with a smart two-piece outfit.
Her husband remonstrated with her, saying that on his salary they could not afford it. She replied that she appreciated the fact, but that the suit had been a real bargain and that she had been tempted.
"In that case", said her husband severely, "you should have said, 'Get thee behind me Satan!" "Oh, but I did," responded his wife, "but that was when Satan said 'It's a perfect fit at the back, Madam'"

Last laugh 3
A bishop and a headmistress arrived in heaven at the same time. When the formidable teacher was greeted at the gates, she was ushered straight through to one of the best rooms.
The bishop, however, was sent along a corridor to much less salubrious surroundings. When the bishop questioned the meaning of this, the heavenly guardian replied, "My dear Bishop, that woman put the fear of God into more people than you have in a lifetime!"

Long sermon?
A pastor, known for his lengthy sermons, noticed a man get up and leave in the middle of his message. The man returned just before the conclusion of the service. Afterwards the pastor asked the man where he had gone. "I went to get a haircut," was the reply.
"But," said the pastor, "why didn't you do that before the service?" "Because," the gentleman replied, "I didn't need one then!"

The preaching farmer
A young farmer was asked to preach for the first time ever in a rural chapel, so he asked the advice of an older preacher on how to tackle it. The old man advised, "Well, give 'em somethin' movin', sometin' soothin' and somethin' satisfyin'". A couple of weeks later they met in the market. "How did yer get on lad, at the chapel?"
"Well," replied the young farmer. "I took your advice an' I think it worked. I gave 'em somethin' movin' and half of them got up and walked out after five minutes. I think it must have been soothin' because t'other half went off to sleep, and I think it must have been satisfyin' 'cos the chapel secretary said I don't ever need to go there again!"

Whales
A little girl was asking her teacher about whales. The teacher said that it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because, even though it was a very large mammal, its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human: it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him!"

Café tales
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note and posted it on the apple tray. "Take only ONE, God is watching". Moving further along the line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip biscuits. A child had written a note - "Take all you want - God is watching the apples!"

Dead church?
A man was preaching at a church, when suddenly a member of the congregation died. They dialled 999; an ambulance arrived and they took out half the congregation before they found the right person!

A Hymn for every calling

The dentist's hymn: "Crown Him With Many Crowns"
The contractor's hymn: "The Church's One Foundation"
The politician's hymn: "Standing On The Promises"
The boxer's hymn: "Fight The Good Fight"
The meteorologist's hymn: "There Shall Be Showers Of Blessing"
The gossip's hymn: "O For A Thousand Tongues"
The electrician's hymn: "Send The Light "
The baker's hymn: "I Need Thee Every Hour"
The airline captain's hymn: "Jesus, Saviour, Pilot Me"
The dieter's hymn: "And Can It Be That I Should Gain?"
The cyclist's hymn: "My Chains Fell Off."

Last Laugh 4
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honour" thy Father & Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that tells us how to treat our brothers and sisters?
Without missing a beat, one little boy, (the eldest of a family) answered, "Thou shalt
not kill!"

Marriage Made In Heaven
A couple were driving to a church to get married. On the way, they got into a car accident and died. When they arrive in heaven, they see St. Peter at the gate. They ask him if he could arrange it so they could marry in heaven. St. Peter tells them that he'll do his best to work on it for them.
Three months pass by and the couple hear nothing. They bump into St. Peter and ask him about the marriage. He says, "I'm still working on it." Two years pass by and no marriage.
St. Peter again assures them that he's working on it.
Finally after twenty long years, St. Peter comes running with a priest and tells the couple it's time for their wedding.
The couple marry and live happily for a while. But after a few months the couple go and find St. Peter and tell him things are not working out, and that they want to get a divorce.
"Can you arrange it for us?" they ask.
St. Peter replies, "Are you kidding?!! It took me twenty years to find a priest up here. How am I going to find you a lawyer?"

Vicar's Wife's Dream
A vicar's wife dreamed that she had gone to another world and had been instructed to climb a stone stairway, writing as she did so, one sin of her past life upon each step. For this task she was given a piece of chalk. As she toiled slowly upwards, she heard footsteps rapidly descending the stairs and, looking up, she was surprised to see her husband coming down.
"Hello," she called, "What are you doing?"
He answered breathlessly, "Going down for some more chalk!"

Seagull
A father was at the beach with his children, when his four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand and led him to the shore, where a seagull lay dead in the sand. "Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.
"He died and went to heaven," the dad replied.
The boy thought for a moment then said, "Did God throw him back down?"

For Whom The Bells Toll -
A farm worker regularly assured his vicar how much he appreciated hearing the church bells toll. The vicar asked him "Isn't it rather morbid listening to the bells ringing? It might mean that someone has died". "So long as oi 'ears them," replied the farm worker, "oi knows it ain't fer me!"

Rugby story
A Welsh rugby forward arrived at the pearly gates and was asked by the Guardian if there was anything he wanted to confess. "Well, yes," he replied, "I have always been in grave doubt about a certain try for which I was given credit in an international match against England. I was given credit for it, but I don't think I really deserved it."
"Oh, I shouldn't worry about that; I think that can be easily forgotten," smiled the Guardian. "That's really, really kind of you, St Peter", replied the rugby player, firmly shaking his hand.
"No, it's St Peter's day off today", came the reply. "I’m St David!"

Microphone problems
In liturgical churches, the prayers are often preceded by the minister saying, “The Lord be with you,” to which the congregation responds, “and also with you”.
The new minister in town was having trouble getting used to the local customs about worship, and even more trouble with the public address system. He kept flipping switches and turning dials and couldn't seem to figure out when it was on or off. Finally, just before the ‘Prayer of the Day,’ in frustration with the microphone he said, “there must be something wrong with this thing”. Right on cue, the congregation responded, “and also with you”.

True story?
Once while on a drive, my wife and I had a terrible argument. After many miles of silence with my wife driving I glanced over to the fuel indicator, which was close to empty. I could not resist a breaking the ice with a jab about her forgetting to fill up the tank. I leaned over and said, “ Low fuel, Karen”. She turned to me with tears in her eyes as she pulled over and stopped, hugged my neck and said, “ Oh I love you too, Lawrence. I just wanted you to say it first!”

Bury your talent
With a look of satisfaction on her face, a woman said to John Wesley, “My talent is to speak my mind”. Gravely, Wesley answered, “ Woman, God would not mind if you buried your talent.”

How to cross a river
One day three men were walking along and came upon a raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no way of crossing the river. The first man prayed to God saying, “Please God, give me the strength, courage, and ability to cross this river”
Flash! God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours.
Seeing this, the second man prayed to God saying, “Please God, give me the strength, courage, and ability to cross this river”. Flash! God gave him a boat and he was able to row across the river in about three hours.
The third man had seen how this worked out for the other two so he also prayed to God saying, “Please God, give me the strength, courage, and ability to cross this river” and flash! God turned him into a woman and he walked across the bridge.

Bishop 1
The Bishop arrived to preach at evensong and he was disappointed at the turnout. Rather annoyed, he questioned the vicar. “ Didn't you tell them I was coming?” “ No, my Lord,” replied the hapless man, “but somehow the word seems to have got round.”

Bishop 2
A bishop was invited to the church fete and the vicar talked to him about preaching. “Next Sunday I want to preach on humility. Can you recommend a good book on the subject?” The Bishop pulled himself up to his full height. “There is only one,” he replied, “and I wrote it!”

Love & Money
Love is grand; divorce is about a hundred grand!

Heaven
There was an orderly queue at the pearly gates, when suddenly there was a loud fanfare of trumpets, and a great commotion. The gates opened, and an archbishop was rushed through in a huge Rolls-Royce. A little man near the front of the queue complained: “it’s just the same in heaven as it was on earth; favouritism for the famous”. The angel on duty laughed. “You've got it wrong, I'm afraid. Every day we let in thousands of ordinary people like you. But this is a day for celebration. We haven't admitted an archbishop for 300 years!”

New Church
A new church was to be built and the architect said, “It is my practice when designing churches to asked the minister to include one surprise item, and the congregation to include another”. Everyone agreed. The great day arrived. The first few folk came in and to their great surprise, found only one pew. To their delight it was right at the back where everyone loves to sit. But no sooner had they sat down than the pure rolled smoothly to the front, and another pew popped up in his place. This was repeated until the church was full. The minister was delighted at his surprise item, as he had the only church in the world which fills up from the front first. Enthusiasm carried him away as he preached. Then, exactly 15 minutes into his sermon, a trapdoor opened in the pulpit, and he disappeared from sight.

Bishop 3
The bishop had a terrible memory for names. At a conference he met one of his clergy.
“How is your wife?” he asked. “ I'm afraid she died last year, my Lord,” was the quiet response. Two days later he met the same man again, but-alas-did not recognise him.
“How is your wife?” he asked again. “Still dead, my Lord,” came the crisp reply.

How To Travel
A clergyman friend of mine says that he can always travel in comfort-even in the rush hour. The trick is simple. He travels by train, wears his dog collar, leans out of the window at every stop, and beckons people to join him. It would probably work even without the dog-collar. Try it sometime!

Disunity
Two ministers who often disagreed met at a Unity Service. “Still about the Lord’s business, Geoffrey?” asked Philip. “Yes,” replied Geoffrey. “I am sure that we are both about the Lord’s business; you in your way and I in His!”

Curate
A young inexperienced Anglican curate was working in a Canadian city. The Bishop summoned him; “I've got a job for you, out in the country.” The curate was nervous. He would be on his own, and hundreds of miles from home. What would happen if he met a situation he couldn't cope with? “ Don't worry,” replied the Bishop. “If you get any problems, just phone me”. Everything went very well and the curate was warmly welcomed by the people in the villages. Sadly, one day an elderly man died. The family invited the curate to conduct the funeral, but on inquiring further, he discovered that the man was a life-long Methodist. “I’d love to conduct the service,” said the nervous curate, “ but first I must check with the Bishop”.
“Bishop,” asked the curate on the phone, “A Methodist has died, may I bury him?”
“Go ahead son,” responded the Bishop enthusiastically. “Bury as many Methodists as you can!”

Candelabra
The church business meeting moved to item 5 on the agenda: ‘Purchase of candelabra’. A long-standing member stood up - a man who occasionally got hold of the wrong end of the stick. “ I'm against this idea,” he declared “ for one thing, we have just overhauled the organ. For another thing, no one in the Church can play a candelabra. In any case, if we have any spare funds, we should concentrate on improving the lighting in the church.”

Vicar
A vicar was surprised to receive a phone call asking him to visit the home of Mrs. Jones, who was ill in bed. He was surprised because the Joneses were a staunch Chapel family. But he was glad of an opportunity to improve Church/Chapel relationships, and as it was August, he assumed that the Baptist minister was on holiday.
At the end of his visit he told the family how sorry he was that their own minister was away during their time of need. “Oh, he's not away,” replied Mr. Jones. “We called you because we thought the illness might be contagious.”

Rector
During a wedding service, the happy couple were kneeling at the chancel steps when the rector whispered, “and now follow me to the Communion rail”. He walked the 15 paces fairly slowly, then looked round. To his surprise they were following him as he requested - by shuffling on their knees.

Magazine
From a parish magazine (so it must be true!) The best man ran into problems when he came to sign the marriage register in the vestry at Cawthorne, Yorkshire. The pen wouldn't write, so the vicar offered some advice (as vicars often do!) “Put your weight on it”, he said. When he read the entry he was surprised to see: John Smith (10 stone 4lb).

Text
The Bible text in that part of the church used as a baby creche during the Sunday services came from St Paul’s first letter to the Corinthians 15: 51-“we shall not all sleep, but we shall all be changed….”

Take notice!
Notice: Jumble Sale next Saturday: Ladies, this is a good opportunity to get rid of anything you don't want. Don't forget to bring your husbands.

School class
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. “ Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, ‘ There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer, or that's Michael; he's a doctor.” A small voice at the back of the room rang out, “And there's the teacher. She’s dead!”

Reward
God wanted to reward a faithful American servant and so asked him, “What would you like me to do for you?” The man replied, “ I have always wanted to holiday in Hawaii. So, please will you build me a bridge across the Pacific Ocean from California to Hawaii.” God replied, “ That's very difficult, if not almost impossible. It is about 10,000 miles and in places the Pacific Ocean is over 30,000 ft deep. You imagine trying to put support pillars down that distance into the sea-bed. Is there something else that I could do for you?” The man said, “Well, I have been married and divorced four times and I wondered if you could show me how a woman thinks and what she wants and what she is going to do next?” God thought for a few moments and then asked, “Do you want four lanes or six lanes on that bridge?”

Rescue
A man fell off the edge of a cliff, but was fortunate to be able to grab the branch of a small tree that was growing out of the side of the cliff. He was hanging on for dear life and his arms were aching terribly. So he prayed to God; “Please will you rescue me?” Then a great voice from heaven thundered; “Just let go of that tree and I'll catch you before you hit the ground!” The man thought for a moment and then asked, “Is there anyone else up there?”

Salvation Army
A young and enthusiastic Salvation Army officer was on her rounds in the pubs selling the ‘War Cry’ and collecting for the local citadel. When the tin she was passing around came to old Ted, he asked her what the money was for. “It's for the Lord”, she proclaimed.
“Well in that case you'd better give it to me, love,” said the old man, “ for I reckon I'll be seeing him afore you”.

Driver
A young boy had just got his driving licence. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study and said, “ I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, and study your Bible a little and get your hair cut and we’ll talk about it.” after about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car. They again went to the father's study where his father said, “ Son, I've been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you’ve studied your Bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!” The young man waited a moment and replied, “You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair and even Jesus had long hair…” To which his father replied, “Yes, and they WALKED everywhere they went!”

Funeral
The funeral was a sad occasion, for the farmer's mother-in-law had been gored by a cow, normally such a placid beast. The whole farming community came to the service, and afterwards the vicar remarked on the splendid turnout to the knowledgeable old verger.
“Don't get the wrong idea, Vicar,” said the old man. “They were not here today out of respect for the deceased; they really came to make a bid for the cow!”

Exam results
A student at a theological college was writing the end-of-year examinations. When he came to a question, which he had totally neglected to study, he decided to write, “Only God knows the answer to this question. Merry Christmas!” when he received his paper back he saw the examiner had written, “God gets 100%, you get 0. Happy New Year.”

Three Kings
The Three Kings had arrived at a hotel in Jerusalem, after having visited the baby Jesus in the manger in Bethlehem. They were not pleased with the sleeping conditions, so they complained to the manager. “Our rooms were terrible. There was a foul smell and the accommodation was lousy.” “What did you expect,” replied the manager. “This is only a one-star establishment!”

Billy Graham
Billy Graham tells of a time, during the early years of his preaching ministry, when he was due to lead a crusade meeting in a town in South Carolina and he needed to mail a letter. He asked a little boy in the main street how he could get to the Post Office. After the boy had given him directions, and Billy said, “Hey son, if you come to the Central Baptist church tonight, I'll tell you how to get heaven.” The boy replied, “No thanks, Mister, you don't even know how to get to the Post Office!”

White House
The late US President's wife Eleanor Roosevelt had an embroidered cushion on a settee in the White House that read: if you can't say anything good about anybody… come and sit beside me.

Old Monk
An old monk had given the best years of his life translating the original Greek and Latin text into English making sure every word and syllable was correctly translated.
One day a young novice monk asked him, “Has anyone ever made a mistake in the transcripts?” The old monk looked aghast. “Oh no!” he replied. “In fact I shall go downstairs to the archives and get one of the earliest books to show you how exact our copy is.”
Several hours passed, and the novice was beginning to wonder what had happened to the old monk. He went down to find him hunched over the original scrolls weeping. “Why, whatever is wrong?” enquired the novice. The old monk looked up through his tears and sobbed, “The original word was celebrate.”

A Grave Business
An Englishman took his friend Paddy to look at their church graveyard. They came to a tombstone which read: ‘Here lies Angus McTavish, a kind and generous man and a loving father’. “Will yez look at that,” said Paddy, “now isn't that just like the Scots, burying three men in one grave.”

Christening
At a Christening the vicar took the little girl from her father's farms and said, “Name this child. The man said, “Spindonna”. “But you can't call a little girl Spindonna”, hissed the vicar. “Surely you have another name?” “No, Spindonna!” the father emphasised. So the Christening went ahead. Afterwards the man came up to the vicar and angrily demanded why he had given his daughter of the name of ‘Spindonna’. “ But that's what you said!” exclaimed the priest. “No I didn’t,” said the child's father. “ I said, ‘It's pinned on her’!”

Noah’s Ark
All the animals joyfully left the ark when dry land appeared, except the two snakes. Noah once more urged them to disembark, “Go forth and multiply!” he cried. But they still refused to budge. One of them explained, “We can't; we're adders”.

Woman’s Prayer
A woman's prayer: “Oh Lord, please stop my neighbours from buying things I cannot afford, Amen.”

Speaker
A preacher was speaking at Hyde Park Corner: “You must love the Lord your God with all your heart”, he said. A heckler called out, “That’s rubbish! Science has proved that the human heart is just a pump.” The preacher asked him, “Are you married, sir?”
The heckler replied, “Yes, I am.” “Then go home and tell your wife you love her with all your pump.”

Lie
A boy in Sunday school was asked to define a lie. He answered, “A lie is an abomination in the eyes of the Lord.” Then he added, “and a very present help in times of trouble”

New Pub
When a new pub was being blessed by a vicar in the new town of Runcorn, nobody knew for sure whether it was by design or accident that he used the Collect for the 4th Sunday of Epiphany, in the 1928 Prayer Book:
‘O God, who knowest to us to be set in the midst of so many and great dangers, that by reason of the frailty of our nature we cannot always stand upright: grant to us such strength and protection, as may support us in all dangers, and carry us through all temptations; through Jesus Christ our Lord, Amen.”

Eye test
A Polish man went to have his eyes tested. The optician said to him, “Can you read this chart?” “Read it?” exclaimed the Pole, “I know the man!”

Injustice?
First man: Sometimes I get so angry with God! I want to ask Him why He allows so much misery in the world, so much cruelty and poverty, hunger and injustice. I am tempted to say to Him, “Why, oh why, do you allow these things to continue when you could obviously do something about it?”
Second man: Well, why don't you?
First man: Because I'm afraid God might ask me the same question!

Inheritance
A man had just inherited £20 million, but his friends were reluctant to tell him about it, since he had a weak heart, in case he had a heart attack and died, so they asked the pastor to tell him gently. The following Sunday in church, the pastor said to the man, “If I told you that you had just inherited £20 million what would you do?” The man replied, “I would give half of it to the church”, and the pastor dropped dead!

Going somewhere?
A man was driving to work when a lorry drove through a stop sign, hit his car broadside on and knocked him out. Passers-by pulled him from the wreck and revived him, but he began a terrific struggle, and had to be sedated by the paramedics. Later, when he was calm, they asked him why he had been so agitated. He said, “I remember the impact, then nothing. I woke up, on a concrete slab in front of a huge, flashing ‘Shell’ sign…. and someone was standing in front of the S”

Vicars
First elderly vicar at a Deanery Synod: “Heard you had to bury your Rural Dean”
Second elderly vicar: “Yes, we had to, you know - he died!”

Sermon
The Sunday sermon had gone on and on - and on. The little girl, who had really been trying to behave herself, knew that after the sermon there was still the offertory to go and probably a final hymn. She began to grow more and more restless. Then she had an idea! Leaning over towards her mother, she whispered quietly into her mother's ear, “Mummy, do you think that maybe if we just went ahead and gave him the money now, he'd let us go?”

Healthy marriage
Jacob, who was 92 years old was to marry Rebecca, who was 90 years old, so he went into the local drugstore and asked, “Do you sell painkillers?” “Yes sir,” replied the storekeeper. “What about tablets for rheumatism?” “Yes sir.” “What about Viagra?” “Yes sir, we sell that as well.” “Okay then, what about sleeping pills, laxatives, vitamins, wheelchairs and walkers?” “Yes sir, we sell all those as well.” “That's great! In that case we'd like to hire this place for our registry office!”

Piety?
A pious church man invited the pastor over to lunch at his house on a blazing hot July afternoon and when they all gathered around the table, the host thought he would show the pastor how well he had done at raising his children and asked his little boy to pray. The 12-year-old boy looked at his dad and said, “I don't know what to pray!”
So the father said, “Just pray what you heard me pray, or say what you've heard me say.” The boy bowed his head and said, “Dear God, why do we ever invite all these boring people over here on a hot day like today?”

Dog
A woman had a dog that she loved dearly. The dog died so she took it to the priest and asked, “Would you give my dog the last rites?” The priest replied, “We don't give last rites to animals here. Try the Baptists down the street.” The lady said, “Father, do you think that if I gave the minister there a £10,000 donation for burying my dog that it would be appropriate?” The priest said, “My child, my child ! Why didn't you tell me that you had a Catholic dog?!”

Life
A preacher, a priest and a rabbi were debating the topic ‘When does life begin?’ The preacher said, “Life begins at birth” and the priest said, “No, life begins at conception”. “No, you are both wrong”, said the rabbi. “Life begins when your last child leaves home and the dog dies!”

Thanksgiving
A woman at Thanksgiving asked her husband, “What would you like to thank God for regarding me? Would it be my beauty, my intelligence or my sense of humour? The husband replied, “I think I would thank God for your limitless imagination!”

Pastor
One day a pastor went to visit one of his church members' homes. As he arrived, the mother of the House saw who it was and, because she had no food to offer him, told her children to tell the pastor that she had gone out, as she hid under the bed. When the children opened the door, the pastor walked in and asked if the mother or father of the house was in. From where he was standing he could see the legs of the mother sticking out from underneath the bed. Meanwhile the children were telling him that the mother of the house had gone to the shops to buy food. The pastor then said in a loud voice, “Before I go I would like to pray for the mother of this house, for she has gone to the shops and left her legs behind!”

Baptism
The usual baptism by full immersion was taking place in the local Baptist church. The minister explained, “There is nothing magical about this water. It is the same water that we shall be using later to make the tea and coffee.”

Blood
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, “Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.” “Yes”, the class said. “Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?” A little fellow shouted, “Cos your feet ain't empty!”

Different Church
A man took his young son to a different church one Sunday. The boy was a keen worshipper and knew the Lord's Prayer, so when the minister began “Our Father…” the man’s son joined in confidently. But this was a church which ended at ‘Lead us not into temptation and deliver us from evil.’ The boy, however, continued in a loud voice, “For thine is the Kingdom, the power…” until he realised he was the only one speaking. He turned to his father and said, “Dad, there's no power & glory in this church!” (Out of the mouth of babes…?)

Lord’s Prayer
Three-year-old Reece says, Our Father who does art in heaven, Harold is his name. Amen.

Little Boy
A little boy was overheard praying: “ Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am.”

Ten Commandments
A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if any one could tell her what it was. Susie raised a hand, stood tall, and quoted, “Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbour's wife.”

Christening
After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, “That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys.”

Quiet
A Sunday school teacher asked her children, as they were on their way to the church service, “And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?” One bright little girl replied, “Because people are sleeping.”

Holiday
A man took his wife and mother-in-law on a holiday to Israel and while they were there, the mother-in-law died. So he phoned the local Jewish undertaker and asked how much it would cost to bury her in Israel. The undertaker replied, “£150.” “O.K”, said the man.
“How much would it cost to take her back to England and bury her there?” “£5000” the undertaker replied. The man thought for a moment and then said “I have decided that I would rather take her back to England and bury her there”. The undertaker was extremely puzzled. “Why would you want to take her back to England when you could bury her here in the Holy Land for only £150?” “Listen, mate.” replied the man. “Two thousand years ago you buried a man here and three days later he rose from the dead. I just don't want to take that chance!”

Questions
A little boy asked his father as they were out walking one day, “Dad, why is the grass green?” “I don’t know, Son”, was the reply. “Dad, why is the sky blue?” “I don’t know, Son”, said the father. “Dad”, said the little boy, “you don’t mind me asking you all these questions do you?” “Certainly not, Son,. If you don’t ask questions you will never learn anything!”

Hymns
One Sunday a minister told his congregation that the Church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider putting a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most, would be able to pick out three hymns. After the offering plate was passed around and finally presented to the minister, he glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a £1000 cheque in the offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money on the plate. A very quiet, elderly, saintly lady at the back of the church shyly raised her hand. The minister asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the minister. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving, asked her to pick three hymns.
Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, “I'll take him, him, and him!”

Market
While at the local market, I saw an elderly couple holding hands while they were walking. As they approached, I commented on how romantic it was. He replied, “We have been holding hands when we go out in public for over 30 years. I have to. If I let go, she shops”

Different types
There are three kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t.

Mobiles
A minister in a local church, upset over the ringing of mobile phones during his services, has now installed an electric jammer in his church to prevent distraction….
I can just see God walking around saying, “Can you hear me now? Can you hear me now? Can you hear me now? Can you hear me now?”


PUZZLES Top

1) Can you find the names of eighteen books of the Bible in the paragraph below
without the aid of your Bible? One minister found seventeen in twenty
minutes, but it took him weeks to find the last one! Here goes:

A remark was once made about the hidden books in the Bible. It was a lulu: kept people looking so hard for facts but for others it was a revelation. Some were in a jam, especially since the names of the books were not capitalised. However, the truth finally struck home to numbers of our congregation, whilst to many of the others it was a real tough job. However, we want it to be a most fascinating few moments for you. Yes, there will be some really easy ones for those able to spot them, but others may require Fred Dibnah, umpires or judges to help them. I have to admit it usually takes a minister to find one or more of them, and there often will be loud noises, complaining or wailing lamentations when it is found. A little lady I know says she brews a cup of tea or coffee so it can help her concentrate better whilst searching. See how well you can compete. Relax and enjoy it, play your guitar or banjo, elated, for there really are eighteen books of the Bible in this puzzling paragraph.

Please send your answers via: philwent2@tiscali.co.uk